It's the beginning of a new year. 2009. Sounds like one of those weird years for some space or futuristic movie. Well it was a title of one anyway.

We're closing a decade soon. It's been one helluva ride as I've become an adult. There have been many great things that happened these past years. Also many sad things too. Most of those have happened in the latter half of this decade of oughts. Aughts? How the hell you spell that. The 00's.

Some of those sad things took place on the Internet. Many of them really. One would think that would pursuade me to leave the 'net alone but I guess I'm just stubborn. Or stupid. Maybe a little of both. Thing is... these Internet things seem so SILLY in comparison to the rotten crud that's happened to me IRL. I laugh now at how stupid it all was, the emotions of being mistreated by 'friends' of mine who I've never even met face to face or heard their voice, 'friends' that I'd never see IRL.

Thing is it just won't go away. The pettiness. The misconceptions. The lies. It's a new year and already I'm having to hear about people behaving like angry children, having tantrums worse than my five year old son. And I really wish they wouldn't.

I wish that I could start over sometimes. Meet everyone anew. Especially those who've become distant, angry or afraid of me. Yeah 'afraid'. LOL apparently I'm some kind of dreaded presence which I can't help but also laugh about. Somewhere along this decade, I got more serious and less hoo dee hoo when it comes to a lot of things. And thing is, I'm not like that IRL, it only comes out online. I was more patient with people, accepted the quirkiness in people, tried to get along and go with the flow no matter what. Well so long as it wasn't offensive to anyone or myself.

Not all of it is my fault though. The loss of friendships or the loss of friendships that didn't get the chance to even start. People are very insecure and the Internet is a place to be stronger, less timid. Sometimes people take advantage of others. Sometimes they forget that those they meet and chat with are more than just screen names who magically appear every so often. I sometimes forget that myself. But I'm reminded and that's where the emotion and attachment comes in. That's why I stubbornly and stupidly don't completely give up on this hobby of mine, goofing off online.

A lot of my friends or people I've 'met' online have been hurt these past few years. Friendships broken and not just my own. I've seen people who seemed so close become so distant, one party being cruel and abandoning the other party... I managed to regain a good friend and I hope a few others after time has passed. I've heard things from all ends, nearly everyone, and what I heard was what I suspected for the most part. Felt good because I seriously was thinking I was just paranoid or jealous or other negative things.

Thing is... most of the stress, lies and drama has time and time again been linked to one individual. Perhaps not directly but through another to that first individual. Or even a chain. Most of you reading this know who I'm talking about. If you don't you will eventually. Don't want to anger the LJ people by naming names even though I don't consider this a form of harrassment. This person has used each of us in various ways, for various periods of time and was trusted by each of us on some level. Some people are still being used now, and either they don't see it or they see it but continue on with this individual hoping it isn't so or just going along until the ride eventually ends. It's easy to be someone you're not online and there are many gullible and trusting people to fool.

Unfortunately damage was done and some of it cannot be undone. People are worried by a constant nagging in the back of their minds of honesty among friends. This individual left a bitter taste in lots of people's mouths that's hard to fully get out. I know I have certainly learned a lesson in trust and I doubt I'll ever trust so easily again when meeting someone on the screen here in the vast Internets. I haven't really ventured far outside my circle of friends. Safer that way I tell myself.

"Is this person angry with me?" "Does this person talk badly of me behind my back?" "Is this person just using me so I can do things for them?" "Will they always be a friend or discard me when I'm no longer interesting or useful?"

Those are questions that come to mind with me sometimes. I just step back and take a look at the larger picture and remind myself that the Internet is not always full of selfish horrible people and so what if one person out of a bunch is being a jerk.

I just wish that people who have bad feelings towards me because of this one individual would give me another chance. I've certainly been trying to give them one, or at least act civil to open the doors of communication. I get online to have fun and relax, not to become some popular twit with fans and some cult following to boost my bruised ego because offline is so dull and/or disappointing. I can talk about stuff online with people that I can't with my IRL friends because they don't get it. I can share my artwork, my stories, my insane love for a show that's 15 years old... LOL that's what I love about the Internet. Why the hell people have to turn it into a high school like society?

To people who I've hurt, I'm sorry. I've made many mistakes myself but I promise I am not some awful human being.

I'm sorry too that I cannot be online 24/7 and give tons of attention to anyone. My family comes first and I hope that people understand that. That doesn't mean I like you any less. It doesn't mean that I'm mad either. People need to quit judging things like how often I'm online or how much gift art they get as a sort of means to measure friendship.

I'm also sorry that some people, maybe some of you reading this, have believed the lies and exaggerations that came from one individual. I must have been behaving in a way that made such things easy to believe and accept. Thing is, when the individual who began such falsehoods drops people, why is it I'm still seen as someone horrible too? Wouldn't that make you think "hey, this person lied to me... I wonder if they lied to me about Felony"?

I may not always agree with you. I hate confrontation, trust me I do, and confrontation over the Internet is not easier than IRL. Thing is I try to be honest and I say how I feel. Sometimes I don't use tact like I should and other times what I'm trying to say doesn't come out properly. It's hard to convey feelings with text. Thing is I am willing to compromise. I'm willing to hear you out. I don't expect everyone to like me either, but at least we can act like adults. I'm not going to run from things anymore to avoid confrontation.

But also know that friendship is a two-way street. I don't expect constant attention, praise, gifts, whatever from people. I just expect to have someone to pal around with, well as much as one can online. Someone to chat with about nonsence or have a role play now and then or share ideas or favorite music with and exchange goofy links... Isn't that we all want? Isn't that why we all ventured online?

I hope 2009 is a good year. I hope it is a year of fun and good times. I'm going to do my part to try and make it so. I'm not going to be some victim of boo hoo happenings from last year and those previous. My New Year's resolution is to relax more and worry less. On the same token, I'm not going to suddenly become a doormat either. My days of trying to keep everyone happy are done, because that's impossible.

Well... as the title says, these are thoughts I had at 2am which I felt inspired to write before going to bed. I'd been up watching things through Netflix. I feel a little silly now re-reading this, but this needed to be said. Publicly. Get it off my chest and out of the way so that the new year is fresh. Waited until this morning to actually post this. If anyone wants to talk, send me an email. For now, I got stuff to work on as another New Year's resolution is to not procrastinate and finish what I've started.